Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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