i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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