I wish my penis had an off switch
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
