Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
