I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
