I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
