just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
