Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You may now shotgun with the bride
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
