Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wish you could order shots online.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
