We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
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Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We left the knife in your bed.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
God, I missed his penis.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize