I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't turn off my feet"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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