i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
