I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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