I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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