how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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