Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
