he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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