I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I understand Curling. That high.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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