why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
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New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
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i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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