I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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