I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
