don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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