I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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