Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
