i just had sex bonerless
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
