fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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