6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
