So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
