I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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