either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
