I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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