I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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