i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
