Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I need to align my fucking chakras
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
