I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this beer tastes like vomit already
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
