He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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