If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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