Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
