I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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