I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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