I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
