that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
