i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
