end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Randomize
