The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
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Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
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I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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