I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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