I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
