i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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