I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
