If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
That was an excessively violent trivia night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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