i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
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I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
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Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.