so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Randomize
