In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
