Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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