you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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