I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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