so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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