I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize