oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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