The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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