Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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