is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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