Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
