just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
