I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
